How to recognise coercion during pregnancy (and birth and what to do about it).

Words can shape your birth: Make sure you understand what coercive language in the birth room sounds like. 

At last! You're preparing to meet your baby, honestly you are READY aren't you? You’ve taken the time to understand your body, your choices, your rights.  You are prepped and ready to go. 

But then, when labour begins, or you enter the hospital, it can feel as if all of that fades into the background – and you’re swept up in something that moves too fast.  More than that, you don't recognise when to use everything you have learned. 

Because in most courses, of the most powerful and often overlooked forces in the birth room is language. How are you going to recognise when you are reactive, fearful you are making choices you couldn't make if you were thinking straight. It's very difficult. Which is why I teach the STARR technique and make sure your partner is on board and knows exactly when to recognise this as well - a bit more about your partner later and the role that they play in this. 

What is Coercive Language in Birth?

Coercive language isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always sound harsh or threatening.........it can come cloaked in concern, delivered with a smile, or framed as what’s “best for baby.” That’s what makes it so hard to spot – especially in moments when you may feel vulnerable or anxious.  Because, let's face it you want what's best for your baby, always. 

Coercion in the birth room happens when you are nudged, persuaded or pressured into decisions that aren’t truly yours. It might be a subtle removal of options, or an assumption that you’ll comply without discussion.

And the impact? You may go along with a decision – only to look back later and wonder why it happened at all.  So often, after a birth I hear the words "why did I agree to that when I didn't want it at all". 

Why Does This Matter?

Because birth is not just a medical event. It’s a significant psychological and emotional experience. The language used during labour has been shown to affect birth satisfaction, trauma risk, and even physical outcomes.

Research shows that women who feel in control and respected during their birth, regardless of how the birth unfolds, are more likely to feel positive about the experience and less likely to experience birth trauma.

This isn’t about saying no to everything – it’s about ensuring your yes means yes. That you have time, space, and calm to weigh up what’s being offered, and that your decisions are truly yours.

Phrases to Watch Out For

Here are some examples of coercive phrases women have shared with me over the years. These are the kinds of things to stay alert to, and to prepare your birth partner for as well:

• “We’ll just book you in for an induction.”

• “You don’t want to risk your baby’s life, do you?”

• “We’ll give you an hour to progress, and then we’ll need to intervene.”

• “Your baby’s a bit big/small/late, so we have to...”

• “It’s policy.”

• “We’ll let you try for a vaginal birth.”

• “I think you’ll find you’re being a bit unrealistic.” 

• "these last days can be tricky can't they, you must be so excited to meet your baby aren't you, I bet you are really looking forward to things moving, a sweep will just give them a nudge, are you happy with that? Yes? Just hop up on the bed when you're ready" (this is actually known as a "yes set" , if I ask you three questions with a definite yes response, you are likely to compliy to the next thing I offer. 

These phrases might be said with the best intentions, but they can undermine your ability to ask questions, to pause, and to say, “I need to think.”

How to prepare to spot coercive language 

1. Do a hypnobirthing course where they have a section on how the brain, not just the body responds to stress and decision making. 
2. Learn techniques to activate your soothing system before making a decision 
3. Buy time, often you have time to say "We'd like a moment to think about it". The brain responds much better without a time limit - it's not an exam! 
4. Make sure that on your birth preferences/plan/intention that you have things you definitely don't want, rather than just the things you want. You can always change your mind later. 
5. Print off this list of example coercive questions and learn to spot them

Why does it matter that my partner understands coercive language? 

As a doula I cannot emphasise enough how important it is that your partner understands this. I have been in situations where the mother has not agreed to an intervention, I've communicated that with her and her partner has been taken aside when they are out of the room, and told how important this is. That partner has then gone back in and persuaded the mother that she needs it...this is the worst kind of indirect coercion.  

Make sure that you partner knows your plan, understands why you have written it the way you have and why it's important to you. 

How to stay centred and in control of your options

It’s incredibly difficult to process information clearly when you’re in fight, flight or freeze – the brain’s survival state...think brain fog and giving a presentation. When fear kicks in the brain clears itself, your voice and legs may wobble.  Trying to make important decisions that affect how you feel for the rest of your life about your baby's birth ( I'm not exaggerating here, I speak to women in their 70's who still ask why they didn't question more).

That’s why it’s so important to have simple, fast tools to bring your nervous system back into balance.

Here are a few techniques that can help you or your birth partner reset when you feel overwhelmed:

1.  Pause

If you and your baby are well in that moment and it's not an immediate emergency, take time. Let the team know that you want 15 minutes along to think about next steps.

2. 321 Relax Relax Relax

Use your fingers to count – thumb to first finger: “3”, then “2”, then “1”, followed by “Relax".  Breathe slowly and say it in your head. It takes seconds, but it helps anchor your focus.

3. Five Senses Grounding

Quickly name:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can feel

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

This pulls your mind out of a racing spiral and back into the present moment.

3. Write down your decision and why you made it

This can help you reflect back after the birth. Sometimes it's not always clear afterwards why we made a choice but your decision making process can help with any post birth niggles or doubt. 

Your Coercive Language Awareness Checklist

Print this. Stick it in your birth bag. Give it to your partner.

✅ Have I been given clear, unbiased information about the risks and benefits of this option?

✅ Was I asked for my consent, or was I told what would be done?

✅ Did I feel like I could say no or ask questions?

✅ Has language like “policy”, “just in case”, or “we’ll let you” been used without explanation?

✅ Have I been given time and space to make this decision?

✅ Do I feel calm, or am I acting from fear or panic?

✅ Do I understand what will happen if I say yes – and what will happen if I say no?

✅ Has my birth partner been involved in the conversation?

✅ Have I been offered alternatives, or just one course of action?

✅ Am I making this decision because it feels right – or because I feel scared?

You Deserve Respectful, Collaborative Care

(And no, I don’t mean that in a patronising way.)

You are not “too emotional” or “being difficult” for wanting to understand what’s happening and why. You are intelligent, capable, and deserving of care that listens and responds to you.

There is power in knowing what to expect – and even more in being prepared with words and tools to hold your ground, gently but firmly.

Let your partner know what coercive language might sound like. Talk about your values. Practice asking for time and space. And if it helps, bring this blog with you.

Your birth experience matters. Not just the outcome – but how you were treated along the way.

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